Ace Ventura Quotes

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite movies and shows

Ace Ventura Quotes

Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Ace Ventura quotes items I have now:


 

Lois Einhorn: Listen, Pet Dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I am not really ready for a relationship now, Lois. But thank you for asking.


 

Ace Ventura: (Turned around moving his butt as he talks) Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.

Ace Ventura: Excuse me. I'd like to ass you a few questions.

 

 

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.

Ace Ventura:[using his ass to talk to Emilio] Excuse me, I would like to ASS you a few questions.

Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes in here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Ace Ventura:[turns around to face Emilio] I think I can keep him under control, but you're going to have to tell me who's working the Snowflake case.

Emilio: Hey, I can't do nothing for you on that one. My hands are totally tied.

 

 

 

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear opera-style] Assholomio...Osodomia...Lea-- [sees Lois Einhorn] HOLY...testicle Tuesday!

Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?

Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

 

Neighbor: What do you want?

Ace Ventura: HDS Sir! and how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then. I have a package for you.

Neighbor: Sounds Broken.

Ace Ventura: Most likely sir, I'll bet it was something nice though.

 

Lois Einhorn: Listen, Pet Dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well, I am not really ready for a relationship now, Lois. But thank you for asking.

 

 

Ace Ventura: (Turned around moving his butt as he talks) Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.

Ace Ventura: Excuse me. I'd like to ass you a few questions.

 

 

Melissa Robinson: Ace get out of the tank

Ace Ventura: All righty then!

 

 

Ace Ventura: That was close one ladies and gentlemen, of course in every contest, there must be, a loser. Lew-Who, Za-Her.

 

Ace Ventura: Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. In time, you could develop a tumor.

 

 

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.

 

 

Neighbor: What do you want?

Ace Ventura: HDS Sir! and how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then. I have a package for you.

Neighbor: Sounds Broken.

Ace Ventura: Most likely sir, I'll bet it was something nice though.

 

 

Melissa Robinson: Ace get out of the tank

Melissa Robinson: Ace get out of the tank.

Ace Ventura: I just can't do it captain I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR!!!

 

 

 

Ace Ventura: warning... a**holes may be closer than they appear in the mirror

Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.

 

 

Mr. Shickadance: Ventura...

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan?

 

 

Ace Ventura: Loo hoo se her

Ace Ventura: Lah-who-sa-her.

 

 

Lois Einhorn: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well Lois, I'm not really ready for a relationship yet, but thank you for asking.

 

 

Ace Ventura: So.. animals CAN sense evil!

 

 

Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head] ...and a clean pair of shorts.

 

 

Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.

Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

 

 

Ace Ventura: Yummy!

 

 

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes,...just wait longer.

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

 

 

Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

 

 

Ace Ventura: i'm Ace Ventura pet detective

Ace Ventura: Ace Ventura pet detective.

 

 

Ace Ventura: All-righty then!

 

 

Ace Ventura: I just can't do it captain I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR!!!

Ace Ventura: I just can't do it captain, I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR!

 

 

Ace Ventura: Yeah? And you're ugly.

 

 

Ace Ventura: Do NOT go in there!

 

 

Ace Ventura: warning... a**holes may be closer than they appear in the mirror

Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.

 

 

Mr. Shickadance: Ventura...

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan?

 

Ace Ventura: Loo hoo se her

Ace Ventura: Lah-who-sa-her.

 

 

Lois Einhorn: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura: Well Lois, I'm not really ready for a relationship yet, but thank you for asking.

 

 

Ace Ventura: So.. animals CAN sense evil!

 

 

Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head] ...and a clean pair of shorts.

 

 

Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.

Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.


Roger Podactor: Who's he?

Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.

Podactor: [shakes Ace's hand.] Nice to meet you, you were highly recommended by Martha Metz.

Ace Ventura: Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the bitch.

Podactor: What?

Ventura: Pekingese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]

 

Ace Ventura: Yummy!


 

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes,...just wait longer.

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

 

 

Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

 

 

Ace Ventura: i'm Ace Ventura pet detective

Ace Ventura: Ace Ventura pet detective.

 

 

Ace Ventura: All-righty then!

 

 

 

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

 

 

 

Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?

Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds...porking his wife!

Aguado: Why, you- [tries to attack Ace, but he misses]

Ace: Come on! [takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug] Now, kiss and make up.

 

 

 

 

Ace: Oh, there is just...one more thing, Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podactor's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?

Lady: Right.

Ace: (to the manager) And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?

Man: That's true.

Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door?

Man: Yeah, I'm certain.

Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?!

Ventura: Only this... [walks out to the balcony and begins singing like an opera singer while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?

Einhorn: [everyone stares in shock] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Ventura: [starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone, holding his fingers like an L] LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!

 

Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?

Melissa Robinson: No, this is--this is my date. He's a lawyer.

Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?

Robinson: No, this is Ace. Um, Tom Ace.

Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh. Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]





Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [Ray's father peers out of the door's peephole, pointing a shotgun directly at Ace's face] And a clean pair of shorts.

Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?

Ventura: [breathes deeply] Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro athlete to come out of Collier County, and [drawls] one hell of a model American. [takes deep breath]

Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. [weeps] This is my Graceland, sir.

 

Ace Ventura: I just can't do it captain, I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR!

 

 

Ace Ventura: Yeah? And you're ugly.

 

 

Ace Ventura: Do NOT go in there!

 

Ace Ventura: [begging] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!

Dan Marino: No, kill him! He's the detective!

Ventura: No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]

Marino: [to Ace] Crybaby.

Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.

Marino: Wimp.

Ventura: Musclehead.

Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!

 

Einhorn: Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!

Emilio: Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.

Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [cocks gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]

Emilio: She's not joking!

Einhorn: HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! He killed Roger Podacter, and he was just about to kill Dan Marino and ME!

Ace: Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays...you might read about a former Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking at a faster clip] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]

Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?

Ace: [pointing at Einhorn] SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!

Einhorn: He's lying...SHOOT HIM!

Ace: [laughs] Let's see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse, revealing her breasts] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt he could find time in his... busy schedule...to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off, believing she is hiding a penis, but gets nothing] Heh heh...oh, boy.

Dan Marino: Psst, Ace...come here.

Ace: Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him about something that leaves Ace agape] Ladies and gentlemen...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken...if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as sheclaims to be...then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN! [Ace turns Einhorn around revealing a penis-shaped bulge near her rear end, making everyone gasp] THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winky!!

[Everyone in the Miami Dade PD, including Marino and Snowflake reacts in disgust because it means that Finkle/Einhorn had indeed kissed them like she/he did Ace.]

Ace: Goodnight, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

[Finkle picks up a piece of glass]

Finkle: DIE ANIMAL BOY!! 

Ace: Quick decision. 

 

Ace: IDIOT!

Swoop: What?!

Ace: You realize what you just did. You cost me $25,000, Polly!

 

 

"Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then."

 

 

"I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!"

 

 

"Well I hope [you check the plumbing], had I been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed."

 

 

Mr. Shickadance: Ventura!

Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan! [He turns around to face Mr. Shickadance.] Oh, I'm sorry sir, you sounded like someone else.

Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. [Coughs loudly] You owe me, rent!

Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you. You're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. [Shows Mr. Shickadance, a $25,000 reward poster] Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it and is offering a huge reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.

Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard them again this morning, scratching around.

Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.

Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah! What's all this pet food for?

Ace Ventura: Fiber!

 

 

"I'm in Pyschoville and Finkle's the Mayor!"

 



"That was a close one ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately in every contest, there must be a loser. Loo-hoo-ser-her."

 

Ajuss can't do it Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!

 

For God's sake's, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!

 

 

Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?

 

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

 

Ace Ventura: All righty then!

 

 

Ace Ventura: That was close one ladies and gentlemen, of course in every contest, there must be, a loser. Lew-Who, Za-Her.

"Oh yeah? And you're ugly."

 

 

"Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have."

 



"Holy testicle Tuesday."

 

 

Ace Ventura: Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. In time, you could develop a tumor.



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Ace Ventura Quotes

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