Funny Quotes Zodiac Signs

Huge list of some great ideas to add to your quotes to read checklist

Quotes

Everyone should make a list that you should set out to accomplish

List of quotes to go through

I love funny quotes. It is pretty much all I read. I like lists and here is a list of the best quotes out there. Here are some quotes you need to check out:

  • Cancer: Auto correct can go straight to he'll
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
  • Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
  • Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Libra: I couldn't be fake about anything even if I tired. My facial expressions wouldn't allow it
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
  • Virgo: I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
  • I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.
  • Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
  • Aquarius: If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ
  • My friends who have babies can’t do anything. You can’t go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
  • They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
  • As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • Sagittarius: I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
  • Pisces: If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  • I don’t believe in storks. I know they don’t deliver babies; they deliver pickles.
  • The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
  • Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade‚Ķ And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  • Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
  • If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
  • Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
  • Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions
  • Capricorn: I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
  • Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
  • I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
  • A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
  • There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
  • If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
  • I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?
  • I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
  • Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
  • By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
  • That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
  • Gemini: You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
  • When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
  • A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
  • Leo: Admit it... life would be so boring without me
  • Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it
  • A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
  • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
  • I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
  • I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
  • If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
  • Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
  • We owe a lot to Thomas Edison
  • Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
  • I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
  • We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
  • I have a hard time with interviews, because I’d rather hear about the interviewer.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • Scorpio: KARMA! Life's little way of saying "Let's see how the fuck you like it!"
  • I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries.
  • You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
  • Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
  • If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

     

     



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Funny Quotes Zodiac Signs

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